but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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