I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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