no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
