I wish I could teleport
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i barfeds in our rink
there's paper in my vomit.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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