Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.