I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
