I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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