Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
