Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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