HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
