Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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