I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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