we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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