based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
