I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
