i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
