I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
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we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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