I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
