3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
