I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
