Sober January is a disaster.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
