I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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