So drunk, too bad you don't want this
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I need water and some morals
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
