I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
As shirtless as possible
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
