Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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