I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
