It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize