I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
