I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
