The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
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I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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