im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
