You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
