Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
