i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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