The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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