Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
