I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My bed smells like the plague
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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