On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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