I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
a search helicopter?!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
