I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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