the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
