I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
