Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
