I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We got so high we made milksteak
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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