Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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