why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
