Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
