No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
no, he came in my armpit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
