Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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