"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
