My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
