Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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