the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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