i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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