i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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