if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
