Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
