omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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