I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
