Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
